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Gremlins

I taught a class over the weekend, and a teacher I respect and admire a lot from my yoga community surprised me by dropping in to my class.

After my initial surprise and apprehension and with encouragement from friends and fellow teachers, I decided not to sweat it. I would be myself, would teach as I always teach.  After all, I had been receiving good feedback and praise lately, my classes were growing in numbers, and with it my confidence.   I had nothing to worry about.

Which is why the feedback I received afterwards stung me so hard.

Within my yoga community, we openly give and receive feedback. In the form of “start, stop and keep”. It comes from a place of love, of generosity. We want each other to be successful, to grow as teachers.

I myself give others feedback, sometimes solicited, often not.

I pride myself on being coachable, open minded, receptive.

Seems that is not always the case.

Amazing how a few words, observations, delivered with kindness and compassion can hit hard. In that moment, all of my fears, my insecurities, and my self-doubt came through. The gremlins were back.

“You are an imposter, You are not enough, who do You think you are? You don’t deserve to be teaching, You are a failure”

Years of hard work, of personal development and growth out the window.

Complete meltdown.

Thankfully it didn’t last too long and common sense prevailed. I remembered that feedback is a gift. I trusted the intentions of the giver, I let go of my story and I took control.

A conversation. A clearing. And now a plan

A reminder to me that this work of personal development ad growth never ends. Whether at home, work, or at the studio, the gremlins are still there, lurking in the background, waiting to pounce if I let them.  Waiting to seize an opportunity to bring me down.

If I let them …  and in moments of weakness I sometimes still do.

There will be other moments I know, and I am so grateful to have the tools and increasingly the self-awareness and self love to see the truth, to be ok with the discomfort, not to run away and hide but to have an open mind an heart, to listen, to trust.  To move forward.  To have faith that not everyone is trying to take me down.  In fact, most are not.

To the giver of feedback, I thank you. Please keep on giving and I will keep on receiving. With gratitude.

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